Chawpi Tuta

No, you say. We cannot be together. Simply because I’m a girl. And you’re a girl. We kiss, we hug, we cry, we laugh together. Nothing makes us different from the other girls. Except that we like each other.

We met in the first day of university exam. You sit next to me, waiting for the interviewer to call your name. You smile to me, when I was pretty much still upset about what happened this morning. I replied your smile, sourly. Not that it stopped you from making a conversation out of me. The interviewer called your name, and then it called mine. You’re in the different side of the room from me. We’re on each other back, somehow we’re able to distinguish each other’s voice from the others. And secretly listening to each other’s interview.

You got accepted in the art program, when I take the law program. We end up sharing the dorm room. We, two people from different program, and barely know each other. That night you told me you’re from another city, one that’s far away from this town we live in now. You told me that you purposefully choose this university, not because it has an outstanding art programme, simply because its far  away from your hometown. That night you told me that your ex went nuts on you, because she’s just like you, a girl. And she can’t stand the thought of separation from you.

I can’t help myself but to told you that I too, choose this university because its far from home, and it have a dorm. But that night, I didn’t have the confidence to tell you that I’m slightly attracted to you, right when you smiled at me. Because I think… I need to be ‘normal’ in order to be able to share the room with you. Because I think… I don’t want to be caught between you and your ex. Because I think… It would be safer that way. Besides, I’m not good with words.

You never looked as pale as today. When I finally got the guts to tell you that I like you. More than I should have been, as a friend. Your lips tremble as you tried to think of an answer. You brush your finger across your forehead to swab away your fringe, only to leave trace of fresh paint. No words comes out of your lips, and I can’t help but to let my smile fade and turn my eyes on the floor. 

Your pale hand comes to my vision, your trembling hand make its way to my cheek and rest there. Its still trembling, and cold. contrast with my warm flushed cheek. I can’t believe I just said it to you like that. Brutally, not the sophisticated and soft way I wanted it to be. I’ve planned it in my head thousands of times, yet I end up come to you and mutter the words under my breath, in front of you. And i can’t help it when you lose your holds of the paint brush.

Many questions popped in your mind, yet you don’t really know how to ask it to me. I led you to your bed, and we sit there. face to face. I’m looking at my hands, trying to avoid your blue-green eyes.

“Is it because of me?”

“No, it just happen”

“When?”

“Long time ago.”

Dead silence again, thoughts that you would reject me and our relationship would be ruined come across my mind. Now, and not thousands of times before, when i’m planning how to tell you my feelings. Now, and not when I feel like you’re gonna notice my feelings for you. Now, instead of many many times when i lay fully awake at night. When I might be the best at planning things, this one particular reaction skipped my mind. I’m a dumb.

“I’m sorry…”

“Ah, its okay. I’m silly to just confess to you that way”

“I’m sorry that I might show you my feelings too blatantly…”

“Wh… What do you mean?”

“I love you too… but we can’t be together.”

And at that time, it really kills me to hear you say those words. 

face it, you’ve been replaced by the new one. not particularly new, but it takes over your position. pushing you aside, out of your circle. making you stressed out, leaving you alone. face it now, you’re not worth it anymore.

You, yeah you! she even said to leave certain things behind. and you become reluctant to take it back. because of what? because you know thats the last tie you have! yea, you, the pathetic you. you, who has no one left beside you. you who stands alone from the very beginning.

I understand now, why you feel so no attraction towards relationship. people let you down more than enough. people use you more than you think. people screw you up to the core. and yet you’re the toughest one alive. you stand alone with your principle.

yea, you… and your own thoughts.

you… and yourself.

you…

maybe you’re pathetic, dear me.